“The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it” J.M. Barrie
Aged 7, I wanted to be an astronaut (among at least another 20 things). This was, however, a bit of an unrealistic aim given my continued fear of heights and dislike of flying! As I grew older and began my magician training (the next career choice on the list), I precociously performed with regularity in front of a patient, but rather weary family. My early performances were luckily free of hecklers and negative feedback, but this was not to continue. Unlike Peter Pan and his endless supply of fairy dust, I grew up and began to produce work for school and university which brought forth varied criticism.
This was useful in a way, as each comment was able to create a building block that could be used to improve upon my previous work. However, some of this criticism began to lead more to a sense of insecurity than encouragement. I began to develop a level of self-doubt, and would often question my levels of ability when carrying out the work I loved. In time, I began to realise that there was a difference between actual and perceived abilities. The two seemed to be related, but were arguably separated by a feint line drawn by self-confidence and the support of others.
The largest sense of insecurity came with the start of the PhD, as criticism began to make me question any justification for remaining on the course. There were many times when I considered leaving as I felt that I was a bit of a fraud who didn’t really have the right to be here. I felt that I had been wrongly offered this privileged position that may have benefitted so many others who may have realistically been much more worthy than myself. This was when I began to remember the term Imposter Syndrome that had been mentioned at my induction.
As I read more about this phenomenon, I began to realise that this was a real thing, and that many people had experienced it. More to the point, I learnt that the anxiety and stress that I had felt was also seen to be a recognised symptom of the syndrome. Finding that this condition had been formally introduced as a term in the 1970s left me feeling a little cheated. This thing had knowingly existed all that time, and had eluded me whilst apparently lying in the centre of a secret puzzle box somewhere under an invisibility cloak.
However, once it had a name, I began to feel better about things. I found that people who I had admired such as Maya Angelou, a proficient writer amongst other things, had felt that she would one day been “found out”– and that her writings would be somehow unmasked as being less than the award-winning works that they had once been.
I realised that part of my self-perceived position of imposter had developed whilst allowing my PhD to take on a slant that didn’t completely sit within my layers of expertise. I had also undergone several changes of supervisory team that had also led to a variety of methods of feedback. As such a fully-working dialogue had never been developed.
Armed with these thoughts, I tried to tackle the feeling of fraudulence. I re-considered my research, and was able to re-direct it to sit within my abilities and understanding. I now knew that I was in a position to bring my expertise to the work. Supervisor relationships became such that enabled more of a 2-way discussion about my research and any feedback offered. Although it had happened fairly late in the game, I was now able to enjoy my research in the knowledge that I was bringing something new to the table. Feedback now began to feel like building blocks again as opposed to the emotional chisel that they had become.
I ceased doubting myself, and with the unquestionable support of my partner and family, flying somehow seemed less of a scary impossibility.
For gaining confidence in presenting, and discussing your research, consider looking at the PGR Newsletter which lists upcoming workshops, themed weeks and conferences such as:
- Get Ready, Get set, Go conference 2020/2021
- Coventry University Research Hootenanny
To be found weekly at https://recap.coventry.domains/
Lara Carballo
PhD Research Student
Institute for Future Transport and Cities