March 2020. The silent Mist has gathered itself and is now beginning to emerge from hiding as it shape shifts out of the shadows changing lives in its path. The headlines report with mixed emphases, but the evidence is there….people are being lost and separated.
The populace trudges on trying to keep going as before, but is constantly stopped in its tracks as the Law of the Land and The Mist each struggle for command. An attempt to create new versions of normal keeps us occupied for a time, but very soon the cracks begin to show…after a while, it is simply not OK. I realise that I am not OK.
Granted, last week was a bad one. A lot of things failed to go my way, my write up felt like I was trudging through molten tarmac, and I began to realise the limited efficiency of emailing and messaging. I realise that at this precise moment of writing I am far from ok. Things do not feel normal. Right now, the pixelated version of my loved ones simply isn’t enough. I feel sad, alone and helpless.
And that’s me!…the often unsafely optimistic being who started off as the spoiled youngest centre of a family’s universe, with loved ones who support me beyond all compare….but believe me, I’m feeling it today. But somewhere under the swirling Mist, I remember that I am one of the luckier ones. I am at least still at the point where both good AND bad weeks occur. For me, they haven’t quite rolled into that seamless world of NeverForever…..but I fear that I may be on my way there.
I throw my grappling hook in a rather inexperienced and ungainly fashion as I attempt to anchor myself to reality. I give it a tug and find that it seems to be holding me in place. I take this time to breathe, and work through the list of things that I need to achieve. I am kind to myself here, and try to not ignore the obstacles that I have already managed to conquer. This provides me with some element of perspective, and encourages me to look at ways to avoid the Mist as I myself now attempt to emerge safely.
One of the things that becomes clear to me is that it is “normal” to feel lost sometimes – and it can happen to the most optimistic of us. But just taking that time to breathe – that time for the self – can be immensely helpful. This is where my little Question Guy and I take the time to meet. We clamber back up to a place that seems familiar (enough) and safe (enough for now) to think about a way through all of this that might begin to make things more manageable.
It is here that it dawns on me. I can’t fix everything, but there are things that will help to make me feel better than I do right at this precise moment. I begin to list the things that have helped me in the past – music, work, walking…little things that I can do to make me feel like me. Anything grander will have to wait.
For now, just spying a chink in the armour of the Mist is enough.
Further reading:
Time to talk day: https://nationaltoday.com/time-to-talk-day/#:~:text=Time%20to%20Talk%20Day%2C%20February,often%20attached%20to%20the%20topic.
PGR Productivity Days: https://cumoodle.coventry.ac.uk/mod/choice/view.php?id=2814551¬ify=choicesaved&sesskey=OPGLp1nsCE
Dr Who? Let’s talk about…
https://recap.coventry.domains/event/dr-who-support-for-postgraduate-researchers/
https://recap.coventry.domains/pgr-wellbeing-initiative/
Lara Carballo
PhD Research Student
Institute for Future Transport and Cities